Jasmine responds: Is blowing air into the vagina dangerous?

Dear Alice,

My girlfriend and I have oral sex. I heard that if you blow in the vagina of a female that it could kill her. Is that true?

Dan

DEAR DUMBASS,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I SHOT AN AIRZOOKA UP YO FUCKIN URETHRA??? WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU HOW TO EAT PUSSY? DAMNNNNNN IF YO GIRL TELL U SHE LIKE THAT EITHER SHE LYIN OR THAT IS NOT A VAGINA.
BITCH JUST CUZ SOMETHIN STRETCHABLE, AND INVOLVE LATEX DONT MAKE IT NO FUCKIN BALLOON YOU RETARD.

Jasmine

Your Father Responds: What's up with morning erections?

Hi Malice,

Why is it when guys wake up they have an erection in the morning? Does this happen to ALL guys? Thanks.

Dear son,
Ah yes. Morning wood. The most glorious morning are the ones when you wake up with that wonderful teepee. It's not something to be ashamed of, take advantage of this moment. Yes it happens to the best of us, and there are two things you can do.

Situation one: solo. This one should be obvious. I mean, clearly its been obvious for me...(not gonna lie...i've found your jerk sock and tee shirt cleaning your room the other day).

Situation two: wake up next to a woman. This one is tricky. You either must get rid of it (think of Azamat from Borat) if you feel that you may become embarrassed...OR... tactfully poke your woman with it while pretending to remain asleep. She will soon realize the situation and realize how sweet of a guy you are for offering her breakfast in bed.

Contratry to what that blonde bitch on those auto tunes keeps singing about on the radio...THATS how you wake up in the morning feelin like P diddy.

But seriously your mom puts that box of kleenex by your nightstand for a reason.
Dad

Timmy Responds: Alcohol or Weed?

Dear Malice,

What is, overall, safer for your body: alcohol or marijuana?

-Curious User


Dear Curious User,

When I drink, I end up sleeping with girls of questionable safe-ness. What I mean by this is I am unable to assess the likelihood of their having some sort of disease. Also, any chances of me wrapping my rascal go right out the window. So that’s not really safe.

Come to think of it, my social safety is also jeopardized when I drink. I’m more likely to sleep with whales and ogres when I’m obliterated. This happened just last weekend, when my friends were calling me out for sticking it in Amy Parsons, the 5th grade butter-body. Oh well, a little moment of desperation that I’m now over.

When it comes to marijuana, there are really no downsides I can think of when it comes to your safety. You can still assess the hotness of a girl, you know to throw on a rubber before you stick it in her like a Capri Sun, and you know for damn sure if she’s a ho.

Not only that, but sex feels so much better when you’re high. Honestly, stick to the green - it’s way safer.

Word,
Timmy

Jasmine responds: Scat play -- Is it dangerous?

Dear Malice,

I've always been facinated with scat play. My question is this: is consuming(eating) your partner's feces safe? Or will it make me sick... or worse (is it poisonous?)

-Poop Player

Dear Poop Player,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WIT CHU PEOPLE.

HOW THE FUCK YOU GETTIN OFF TO STICKIN SHIT IN YO MOUTH???? AND NOT EVEN YO OWN SHIT. AINT NOBODY THAT SICK UNLESS THEY GETTIN MONEY GETTIN PAID TO MAKE THEM INTERNET SHOCK VIDEOS.

WHO THE FUCK YOU GETTIN DOWN WITH THAT BE COOL WITH YOU PUTTIN A SPOON INTO THEY ASSHOLE?

IS SHIT POISONOUS??? THE FUCK YOU THINK SHIT IS??? THERES A REASON YO BODY DOES EVERYTHING IT CAN TO PUSH THAT SHIT (PUN INTENDED.) OUTCHO ASSHOLE. 2 GIRLS 1 CUP WASNT REAL FUCKERS. THAT SHIT BE SOME ICE CREAM.

FUCK,

Jasmine

Your Father responds: Help! I'm having sex dreams about my dad!

Dear Malice,

I am having these really weird dreams. They start off with me flirting with an older gentleman and then it evolves quickly into heated sexual passion. The thing that is really disgusting about it is that the older gentlemen switches personalities from random strangers inevitably into my father. I'm really upset about this whole "Electra-complex" thing and it rudes me out. I always wake up when it starts getting too heated and then I feel really ashamed for having dreamt it.

I have a good relationship with my father, although sometimes I wish that he would pay more attention to other aspects of my life other than my schooling and career. Is there something wrong with me? I am happy in my relationship with my boyfriend, I have lots of friends who care about me, I'm doing very well in school, etc., but I don't know why these dreams are happening all of a sudden. PLEASE HELP! Where can I go to seek more answers?

-Freaked out by dreams

Dear schnookums,

Um…that’s very flattering and all and I really don’t know what to say. I’m honestly dumbfounded. This is incredibly uncomfortable. I never would have imagined you’d have those thoughts about me.

Listen, you know that I love you very much and I think you’re very attractive – its really not that – but I just can’t have sex with you.

The reasons are many, but I don’t want to belabor the point. In my life I’d had to say no to many women who have lusted over me and I know how painful it can be for them. From time to time, I even have to say no to your mother’s advances, so I know how to be sensitive to family members’ desires.

The first problem is that we’re really just not fit for each other; I’m extroverted, you’re introverted. I’m into science, you just want to read all day. There’s really no way for us to build something meaningful out of that.

Second of all, I am married and one of the promises that your mother made me commit to was not to sleep with any other women. It’s very important to her. I’m sure Billy has made you agree to something similarly draconian.

But last of all (and, really, most of all), I would hate if things became awkward between us. I really love the relationship – the friendship – we have and it would be such a shame to lose that. I promise to care about more than just your school and career, if that’s what it takes.

Anyway, no hard feelings. I’ll pick you up after soccer practice!
Your Father

Timmy responds: I really like her but I dont know what to do!!

Dear Malice,

There is a girl I know and I took her to the movies. I like her a lot, but I don't know how to tell her, because she thinks we are going to the movies as friends. I would like to go as a little more than just friends. Also, last time we went to the movies she kept rubbing my elbow with hers. Should I put my arm around her or what?

-Clueless Lover Boy

Dear Grow-a-Pair,

You’re a little bitch.

Seriously, my balls haven’t even dropped yet and I’ve got enough of them to put my arm around a girl.

And what is this shit about “liking her a lot.” Are you in the first grade or something? The only time you should say those words is in the following context:

“I like her a lot... when she tugs my junk.”

Like the last time I was at the movies with a sweet little gurlie. We were watching Up while I was getting it up. Maybe you should get like me and whip it out next time you’re in the theater. I think then she’ll understand that you "like her a lot.”

What the hell, there’s no point. You’re a hopeless pussy. You’ll be twice my age before you even get a finger in, prude.

word.
Timmy

Jasmine responds: My vagina smells really bad, what can I do?

Dear Malice,

For like several years I have been afflicted with a really smelly crotch. It's like I sweat a lot down there and it just has a really sweaty vaginal odor. I bathe regularly but nothing really helps; by the end of the day I always smell funky. This wouldn't gross me out if it was just an occasional problem, but it happens every day. What can I do?

-Stinky

DEAR TROUTVAG,

AW FUCK ITS BITCHES LIKE YOU THAT GIVES THE VAGINA DAT SMELL LIKE FISH STIGMA. THE FUCK GIRL HOW DO YOU LIVEEEE WITH YOURSELF? I DONT GOT NO ADVICE FOR THAT GIRL, GO TO A DOCTOR OR STICK A FUCKIN SCENTED CANDLE UP THERE GOD DAYM. OR GET SOME PANTIES DAT LET YO SHIT BREATHE. THE FUCK GIRL YOU WEARIN LIKE PLASTIC GARBAGE BAGS ROUND YO VAG OR SOMETHIN????

BITCH I JUST VOMITED,
Jasmine

Timmy responds: Breasts...What do I do??

Dear Malice,

I've been having this problem with my girlfriend. Whenever we make out, I get the impression that she wants me to do something with her breasts... but I don't have the foggiest what to do.

I'm sure that they aren't there strictly for my enjoyment; so, what can I do with my girlfriend that would offer her some pleasure, as well?

I've tried other sources of information, but most other sources either concentrate solely on the vagina, g-spot, and clitoris, or they simply state that breasts are an erogenous zone and leave it at that.

—Clueless in Canada

Dear Clueless in Canada,

First of all, have you checked if you’re gay? Because you might be gay. Know how I know you might be gay? You don’t know what to do with boobies.

If you’re not gay (almost impossible at this point), here’s what you should try to do:

1) Lick those boobies. When I was boning some 8th grader (Ally MacDougal) 2 weeks ago, I started licking her boobies (specifically around the nipple area) and it drove her INSANE.
2) Massage those boobies (again, focus on the nipple area for maximum pleasure). Some prude 6th grade hussy wouldn’t take off her clothes a few months ago when we were messing around. I started massaging her boobies, and next thing you know she’s riding me like it’s her first time on a two-wheeler.
3) Stick your penis in between those boobies. This is a more advanced move, but the ladies still love it. It works best if you have some lube (trust me, I learned the hard way).

Hope this helps,

-Timmy

P.S. Seriously, you might be gay.

Jasmine responds: The best ejaculation early-warning system?

Hi Malice,

How long should you perform oral sex on a male if you don't want him to ejaculate in your mouth?

-Gunshy

Dear Gunshy,

I CANT FUCKIN BELIEVE THIS SHIT.

HOW OLD ARE YOU, BITCH? YOU GOT BLOOOOOOOD COMIN OUT YO PUSSY AND SHIT COMIN OUT YOU ASS AND YOU AFRAID OF SOME CUM? GODDAMN.

UNLESS YOU MAN HAS SOME SORTA ACID RAIN SHIT COMIN’ OUT HIS DICK, YOU BETTA KEEP FUCKIN GOIN.

AND HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHEN YOU MAN BE COMIN? YOU DEAF, DUMB AND BLIND, BITCH? YOU 12? WHEN HE BE CURLIN UP HIS TOES LIKE SHRIMP AND TENSING UP LIKE HE ABOUT TO CUM, THAT’S WHEN HE ABOUT TO CUM. SHIT.

IM ABOUT TO FUCKIN QUIT THIS SHIT OVER YOU,

Jasmine

Your Father responds: My boyfriend's semen is chunky — Is this normal?

Hi Malice,

I want to know is if it is normal that my boyfriend's semen has clumps (I don't know how else to describe it) in it? The semen has never been clumpy before, but the last time I gave him a blowjob, the semen had a chunky consistency to it. Should I be worried that this may be an STD, or is this kind of thing related to other things, and if so, what are they? Thanks.

-A little worried.

Dear little worrybug,

It’s really nothing to be too worried about. I have chunky semen all the time.

I have several theories on why it happens, the first of which deals with diet. I’ve found that the more alcohol and red meat I eat, the greater likelihood of chunky semen. I was eating those foods regularly and your mother began to complain, as my semen began to take on a particularly disgusting taste due to those foods. I was having a chunky semen problem about four of five times a month at that point before I switched my diet to more neutral and more healthy foods. Now it only occurs two or three times a month and your mom always has fresh breath.

My second theory revolves around sexual stimulation of the testicles. Your mother has a habit of squeezing them a bit too hard and I’ve found that this correlates pretty well with chunky ejaculation. Make sure that when you’re playing with Jason’s balls (I’ll assume that you are doing this, right? You should.) you don’t squeeze too hard.

My third and last theory is a bit harder to talk about. Are you sleeping with Jason or giving him dome often enough? One of the causes of this problem, I believe, is sexual understimulation. Semen is like yogurt, if you leave it out too long, it will get clumpy. Its science. Make sure you are draining him often.

I hope this has helped! I’ll see you for dinner tonight!

Your Father

Timmy responds: Receiving anal sex — what does it mean?

Dear Malice,

I am a well-adjusted late twenties male with a steady girlfriend. Lately, I have been increasingly fantasizing about various types of anal penetration. I have discovered that during masturbation, this brings me very intense pain/pleasure. Even though I think it may be satisfying to experiment with a vibrator or other objects inserted by my girlfriend, I find myself drawn toward trying the real thing (i.e., having anal sex with a penis). The problem is, I definitely do not consider myself homosexual and, in fact, the thought of the actual act with another man actually repulses me. Am I trying to have the real thing without going through a bisexual experiment or what?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Your urges are healthy and are just an expression of the normal sexual urges that are within us all; in fact, the diversity of these sexual fantasies is one of the most wonderful things about people.

PSYCHE, HOMO!

Listen, I know what you want: you want to get pegged. You ever hear of that? That’s when your girlfriend puts on a strap-on and puts it in your butthole. There was this kinky girl from New York who went to my elementary school last year (she got kicked out for masturbating during naptime) who wanted to do the same to me.

I was like, “Listen, bitch, I don’t know what they do back home, but this manhole is off limits.” That’s how real men talk.
She went crying to tell the teacher, “Timmy called me a bitch!”
“Why did he do that?”
“Because I told him I would peg him.”

Needless to say, she was very confused and very impressed by the whole situation.

The moral here: man up. Put it in your girlfriend’s butt. That’s the way its been done for centuries.

Sincerely,

Timmy

Your Father responds: Condoms in the hot tub?

Dear Malice,

I have a question about sex in swimming pools and hot tubs. Will the chemicals deteriorate a condom? Also, can spermicide be used in water or will it be washed away? Please answer. Thank you.

—Curious

Honey,

Your mother and I have canceled our weekend plans. That jacuzzi cost $4,500 to install and there is no way we are letting Tim and you christen it before us.

Also, do Tim a solid and go on birth control. You're cavalier enough to try sex in a hot tub but you wont let the poor guy raw dog? Better yet, tell him you went on birth control and just...don't take the pills. Seriously, he's a keeper, you make that boy your babys daddy as soon as possible.

I also want to thank you for the $100. Your mother and I had a running bet on when you lose your virginity with the over/under at orientation week in college. Don't feel bad, the obsession with fishnet stockings senior year was a telltale sign.

Hope that answers your question. Dinner's on the table, your mother and I are going to be in the hot tub.

Love,

Dad

Timmy responds: Does having a small penis matter?

Dear Malice,

My friends and I share a common dilemma: we have, well, less than average penises (in terms of size, that is). We got together and asked the question, "Is it really that important?" Maybe you can help us out on this one.


-The small boys

Dear small boys,

Listen, I’m not going to sit here and make you feel better about yourselves. You have small wieners and life is going to suck for you.
You know how I know? Alfie has a small weiner and he can’t get anyone to play four-square with him. I have one pretty much as big as three or four legos put together and Sally asked me if she could see it. That’s boss status right there.

But I do have one tip for getting a bigger wiener that works for me, though I can’t guarantee results for just anyone. When I’m playing Xbox, if I put my controller close to my private parts and I let myself lose, the controller rumbles and MY PENIS GETS BIGGER.

That’s right. Mine can just grow a full inch on command. That’s dick power. You’ll probably never have that and that’s why you’ll never really be truly happy with those beanie baby dicks.

Timmy

P.S. Why are you guys comparing your penises? That’s so gay!

Timmy responds: What is "putting out?"

Dear Malice,

This is kind of embarrassing, but the other day, my friends were talking about sex and their boyfriends and everything. Well, one of them mentioned "putting out." I've heard the term before, but what does it actually mean?

-Keeping it in

Hi Keeping,

Ah, yes putting out.
I'm glad you asked, because well, lets just say I'm no amateur when it comes to dates. I will wine and dine you… charm you…. tell you all the right things… and best of all I'm a momma-pleaser. Yes these are the things that I'll do for you, to make you know that I'm the man for you.
But lets be honest… I have my own expectations...
What does putting out mean? Well its very similar to above: basically a girl who "puts out" is a girl who I'll gain respect for. Putting out means they will perform sexual acts for me, whether that's a BJ or HJ, or just getting down.
Girls who put out exude confidence, and emanate an understanding of the male gender. Also they don't get bullied either. Girls who put out are just all around cooler. You don't want to be a loser do you? Take it from me, one of the greatest life lessons I've learned that placement in society is based on how cool you are, and if you put out, you're cool. If you want to get a guy to like you back… you're going to have to put out. Putting out gains respect amongst men.
It can really make or break a date! You would'nt want to ruin a perfect evening of wining, dining, charming and verbal caressing would you?
Now ladies, there's different levels of putting out that will get you different places with a man. A handjob might get you a place to sleep that night. A blowjob might get you scrambled eggs in the morning. Sex however, gets you a second date. So if you really like this guy, you're gonna have to put out.
Now if you're going to put out right, make sure you know what you're doing. Blueballs are arguably worse than a kiss, so PLEASE. no blue balls.
Hope that helps, and if you want to take my advice gimmee a call.

Timmy