Timmy responds: Does having a small penis matter?

Dear Malice,

My friends and I share a common dilemma: we have, well, less than average penises (in terms of size, that is). We got together and asked the question, "Is it really that important?" Maybe you can help us out on this one.


-The small boys

Dear small boys,

Listen, I’m not going to sit here and make you feel better about yourselves. You have small wieners and life is going to suck for you.
You know how I know? Alfie has a small weiner and he can’t get anyone to play four-square with him. I have one pretty much as big as three or four legos put together and Sally asked me if she could see it. That’s boss status right there.

But I do have one tip for getting a bigger wiener that works for me, though I can’t guarantee results for just anyone. When I’m playing Xbox, if I put my controller close to my private parts and I let myself lose, the controller rumbles and MY PENIS GETS BIGGER.

That’s right. Mine can just grow a full inch on command. That’s dick power. You’ll probably never have that and that’s why you’ll never really be truly happy with those beanie baby dicks.

Timmy

P.S. Why are you guys comparing your penises? That’s so gay!