Timmy responds: Receiving anal sex — what does it mean?

Dear Malice,

I am a well-adjusted late twenties male with a steady girlfriend. Lately, I have been increasingly fantasizing about various types of anal penetration. I have discovered that during masturbation, this brings me very intense pain/pleasure. Even though I think it may be satisfying to experiment with a vibrator or other objects inserted by my girlfriend, I find myself drawn toward trying the real thing (i.e., having anal sex with a penis). The problem is, I definitely do not consider myself homosexual and, in fact, the thought of the actual act with another man actually repulses me. Am I trying to have the real thing without going through a bisexual experiment or what?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Your urges are healthy and are just an expression of the normal sexual urges that are within us all; in fact, the diversity of these sexual fantasies is one of the most wonderful things about people.

PSYCHE, HOMO!

Listen, I know what you want: you want to get pegged. You ever hear of that? That’s when your girlfriend puts on a strap-on and puts it in your butthole. There was this kinky girl from New York who went to my elementary school last year (she got kicked out for masturbating during naptime) who wanted to do the same to me.

I was like, “Listen, bitch, I don’t know what they do back home, but this manhole is off limits.” That’s how real men talk.
She went crying to tell the teacher, “Timmy called me a bitch!”
“Why did he do that?”
“Because I told him I would peg him.”

Needless to say, she was very confused and very impressed by the whole situation.

The moral here: man up. Put it in your girlfriend’s butt. That’s the way its been done for centuries.

Sincerely,

Timmy