Timmy responds: Breasts...What do I do??

Dear Malice,

I've been having this problem with my girlfriend. Whenever we make out, I get the impression that she wants me to do something with her breasts... but I don't have the foggiest what to do.

I'm sure that they aren't there strictly for my enjoyment; so, what can I do with my girlfriend that would offer her some pleasure, as well?

I've tried other sources of information, but most other sources either concentrate solely on the vagina, g-spot, and clitoris, or they simply state that breasts are an erogenous zone and leave it at that.

—Clueless in Canada

Dear Clueless in Canada,

First of all, have you checked if you’re gay? Because you might be gay. Know how I know you might be gay? You don’t know what to do with boobies.

If you’re not gay (almost impossible at this point), here’s what you should try to do:

1) Lick those boobies. When I was boning some 8th grader (Ally MacDougal) 2 weeks ago, I started licking her boobies (specifically around the nipple area) and it drove her INSANE.
2) Massage those boobies (again, focus on the nipple area for maximum pleasure). Some prude 6th grade hussy wouldn’t take off her clothes a few months ago when we were messing around. I started massaging her boobies, and next thing you know she’s riding me like it’s her first time on a two-wheeler.
3) Stick your penis in between those boobies. This is a more advanced move, but the ladies still love it. It works best if you have some lube (trust me, I learned the hard way).

Hope this helps,

-Timmy

P.S. Seriously, you might be gay.