Timmy Responds: Alcohol or Weed?

Dear Malice,

What is, overall, safer for your body: alcohol or marijuana?

-Curious User


Dear Curious User,

When I drink, I end up sleeping with girls of questionable safe-ness. What I mean by this is I am unable to assess the likelihood of their having some sort of disease. Also, any chances of me wrapping my rascal go right out the window. So that’s not really safe.

Come to think of it, my social safety is also jeopardized when I drink. I’m more likely to sleep with whales and ogres when I’m obliterated. This happened just last weekend, when my friends were calling me out for sticking it in Amy Parsons, the 5th grade butter-body. Oh well, a little moment of desperation that I’m now over.

When it comes to marijuana, there are really no downsides I can think of when it comes to your safety. You can still assess the hotness of a girl, you know to throw on a rubber before you stick it in her like a Capri Sun, and you know for damn sure if she’s a ho.

Not only that, but sex feels so much better when you’re high. Honestly, stick to the green - it’s way safer.

Word,
Timmy

Timmy responds: I really like her but I dont know what to do!!

Dear Malice,

There is a girl I know and I took her to the movies. I like her a lot, but I don't know how to tell her, because she thinks we are going to the movies as friends. I would like to go as a little more than just friends. Also, last time we went to the movies she kept rubbing my elbow with hers. Should I put my arm around her or what?

-Clueless Lover Boy

Dear Grow-a-Pair,

You’re a little bitch.

Seriously, my balls haven’t even dropped yet and I’ve got enough of them to put my arm around a girl.

And what is this shit about “liking her a lot.” Are you in the first grade or something? The only time you should say those words is in the following context:

“I like her a lot... when she tugs my junk.”

Like the last time I was at the movies with a sweet little gurlie. We were watching Up while I was getting it up. Maybe you should get like me and whip it out next time you’re in the theater. I think then she’ll understand that you "like her a lot.”

What the hell, there’s no point. You’re a hopeless pussy. You’ll be twice my age before you even get a finger in, prude.

word.
Timmy

Timmy responds: Breasts...What do I do??

Dear Malice,

I've been having this problem with my girlfriend. Whenever we make out, I get the impression that she wants me to do something with her breasts... but I don't have the foggiest what to do.

I'm sure that they aren't there strictly for my enjoyment; so, what can I do with my girlfriend that would offer her some pleasure, as well?

I've tried other sources of information, but most other sources either concentrate solely on the vagina, g-spot, and clitoris, or they simply state that breasts are an erogenous zone and leave it at that.

—Clueless in Canada

Dear Clueless in Canada,

First of all, have you checked if you’re gay? Because you might be gay. Know how I know you might be gay? You don’t know what to do with boobies.

If you’re not gay (almost impossible at this point), here’s what you should try to do:

1) Lick those boobies. When I was boning some 8th grader (Ally MacDougal) 2 weeks ago, I started licking her boobies (specifically around the nipple area) and it drove her INSANE.
2) Massage those boobies (again, focus on the nipple area for maximum pleasure). Some prude 6th grade hussy wouldn’t take off her clothes a few months ago when we were messing around. I started massaging her boobies, and next thing you know she’s riding me like it’s her first time on a two-wheeler.
3) Stick your penis in between those boobies. This is a more advanced move, but the ladies still love it. It works best if you have some lube (trust me, I learned the hard way).

Hope this helps,

-Timmy

P.S. Seriously, you might be gay.

Timmy responds: Receiving anal sex — what does it mean?

Dear Malice,

I am a well-adjusted late twenties male with a steady girlfriend. Lately, I have been increasingly fantasizing about various types of anal penetration. I have discovered that during masturbation, this brings me very intense pain/pleasure. Even though I think it may be satisfying to experiment with a vibrator or other objects inserted by my girlfriend, I find myself drawn toward trying the real thing (i.e., having anal sex with a penis). The problem is, I definitely do not consider myself homosexual and, in fact, the thought of the actual act with another man actually repulses me. Am I trying to have the real thing without going through a bisexual experiment or what?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Your urges are healthy and are just an expression of the normal sexual urges that are within us all; in fact, the diversity of these sexual fantasies is one of the most wonderful things about people.

PSYCHE, HOMO!

Listen, I know what you want: you want to get pegged. You ever hear of that? That’s when your girlfriend puts on a strap-on and puts it in your butthole. There was this kinky girl from New York who went to my elementary school last year (she got kicked out for masturbating during naptime) who wanted to do the same to me.

I was like, “Listen, bitch, I don’t know what they do back home, but this manhole is off limits.” That’s how real men talk.
She went crying to tell the teacher, “Timmy called me a bitch!”
“Why did he do that?”
“Because I told him I would peg him.”

Needless to say, she was very confused and very impressed by the whole situation.

The moral here: man up. Put it in your girlfriend’s butt. That’s the way its been done for centuries.

Sincerely,

Timmy

Timmy responds: Does having a small penis matter?

Dear Malice,

My friends and I share a common dilemma: we have, well, less than average penises (in terms of size, that is). We got together and asked the question, "Is it really that important?" Maybe you can help us out on this one.


-The small boys

Dear small boys,

Listen, I’m not going to sit here and make you feel better about yourselves. You have small wieners and life is going to suck for you.
You know how I know? Alfie has a small weiner and he can’t get anyone to play four-square with him. I have one pretty much as big as three or four legos put together and Sally asked me if she could see it. That’s boss status right there.

But I do have one tip for getting a bigger wiener that works for me, though I can’t guarantee results for just anyone. When I’m playing Xbox, if I put my controller close to my private parts and I let myself lose, the controller rumbles and MY PENIS GETS BIGGER.

That’s right. Mine can just grow a full inch on command. That’s dick power. You’ll probably never have that and that’s why you’ll never really be truly happy with those beanie baby dicks.

Timmy

P.S. Why are you guys comparing your penises? That’s so gay!

Timmy responds: What is "putting out?"

Dear Malice,

This is kind of embarrassing, but the other day, my friends were talking about sex and their boyfriends and everything. Well, one of them mentioned "putting out." I've heard the term before, but what does it actually mean?

-Keeping it in

Hi Keeping,

Ah, yes putting out.
I'm glad you asked, because well, lets just say I'm no amateur when it comes to dates. I will wine and dine you… charm you…. tell you all the right things… and best of all I'm a momma-pleaser. Yes these are the things that I'll do for you, to make you know that I'm the man for you.
But lets be honest… I have my own expectations...
What does putting out mean? Well its very similar to above: basically a girl who "puts out" is a girl who I'll gain respect for. Putting out means they will perform sexual acts for me, whether that's a BJ or HJ, or just getting down.
Girls who put out exude confidence, and emanate an understanding of the male gender. Also they don't get bullied either. Girls who put out are just all around cooler. You don't want to be a loser do you? Take it from me, one of the greatest life lessons I've learned that placement in society is based on how cool you are, and if you put out, you're cool. If you want to get a guy to like you back… you're going to have to put out. Putting out gains respect amongst men.
It can really make or break a date! You would'nt want to ruin a perfect evening of wining, dining, charming and verbal caressing would you?
Now ladies, there's different levels of putting out that will get you different places with a man. A handjob might get you a place to sleep that night. A blowjob might get you scrambled eggs in the morning. Sex however, gets you a second date. So if you really like this guy, you're gonna have to put out.
Now if you're going to put out right, make sure you know what you're doing. Blueballs are arguably worse than a kiss, so PLEASE. no blue balls.
Hope that helps, and if you want to take my advice gimmee a call.

Timmy