Timmy Responds: Alcohol or Weed?

Dear Malice,

What is, overall, safer for your body: alcohol or marijuana?

-Curious User


Dear Curious User,

When I drink, I end up sleeping with girls of questionable safe-ness. What I mean by this is I am unable to assess the likelihood of their having some sort of disease. Also, any chances of me wrapping my rascal go right out the window. So that’s not really safe.

Come to think of it, my social safety is also jeopardized when I drink. I’m more likely to sleep with whales and ogres when I’m obliterated. This happened just last weekend, when my friends were calling me out for sticking it in Amy Parsons, the 5th grade butter-body. Oh well, a little moment of desperation that I’m now over.

When it comes to marijuana, there are really no downsides I can think of when it comes to your safety. You can still assess the hotness of a girl, you know to throw on a rubber before you stick it in her like a Capri Sun, and you know for damn sure if she’s a ho.

Not only that, but sex feels so much better when you’re high. Honestly, stick to the green - it’s way safer.

Word,
Timmy